thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
