Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
