Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
