Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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