Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
