You just made me feel so damn special
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
