I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Everyone says I win the strip club
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
