When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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