Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
