Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
