She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
