I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
