at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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