Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
