you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
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Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
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I have fence marks all over my body
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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