If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I could fuck to npr.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
