her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
