I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
bring money and cleavage
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
