dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
