I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Non-Jews are for practice
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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