that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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