he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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