'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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