someone owes me an orgasm
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
