Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
how does that bad decision feel?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
