the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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