Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
40s are totally the cure
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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