I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
