Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
