Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
