I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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