Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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