so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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