I smell stomach acid.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
