My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
