i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
