...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Your face is a jimmy john
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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