Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We're too hungover to prance.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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