his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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