Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
