I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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