I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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