if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
