I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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