totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
