i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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