I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
