LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
