Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
