Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The Olympian is in my bed
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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