Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
