We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
