Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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