Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
