So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
