it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
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My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
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And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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