My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
