my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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