He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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