I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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