I can tuck mytits in my pants
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
