so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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