why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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