ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
only you would photoshop your dick
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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